rnajestical:

im kinda happy but i also really wanna get hit by a car at the same time

why can’t people appreciate how much effort i put into not becoming a serial killer 

Woman:  Can I have birth control?
Government:  No.
Woman:  I got pregnant because I didn't have birth control and I don't want the fetus. Can I have an abortion?
Government:  No.
Woman:  I gave birth to my child but since I wasn't expecting it, I can't afford daycare. Can I have help paying for it?
Government:  No.
Woman:  Well, why can't I have birth control?
Government:  Because. Sex isn't for recreation. It's for procreation.
Woman:  But it can help regulate my period and benefit me in other ways.
Government:  Too bad.
Man:  For no reason other than for recreational sex, may I have birth control?
Government:  Do you have a penis?
Man:  YES, YES I DO!!
Government:  WELL HOWDY, VALID CITIZEN. You can buy condoms by the dozens. Here, here's a pack of special condom for "His Pleasure." Oooh, these come in different colours and flavours. Here, try these. They have ribs on them. And this one glows in the dark!! LOL OMG DICK LIGHTSABER!!
Government:  But seriously, you're a man. You can do whatever you want.
Woman:  But-
Government:  Shut up, you sinning, freeloading hussy.

portablemiah:

i cant remember anything from ages 1 to 2. man i must have been so wasted

teacher:  from all this talking, i assume you're done.
me:  from all this complaining, i assume you're single.

my friends:  you're so mean sometimes.
me:  i'm not here to make friends. i'm here to become america's next top model.

2spoopyspain:

YOU CALL ME NOBODY I HAVE 6 FOLLOWER

why wont you bump into me on the street and ask for my number and take me out for coffee and fall in love with me what am i doing wrong